One Year without you

Ooooph. One year. 365 days. There really isn’t a great word to attach to the day every year that loved ones left behind, must commemorate the death of a loved one. Anniversary just doesn’t seem to sit right. Regardless, the day demands painful acknowledgment.

It’s interesting how you remember exactly what you were doing the week leading up to the day that changed everything. You ask yourself questions, big ones, what if type ones and you beat yourself up wondering if an action you did or didn’t do could change the fate. But ultimately somethings can just not be changed, they can now, only be carried. 

Inevitably the world keeps turning, we adapt and learn how to live with grief, we learn to allow it to walk beside us, giving it permission to intertwine with our path. We can relish in life’s sweet, bright and joyous moments and acknowledge and lean in to the peppering of upmost sadness, and longing. We can smile brightly, truly be perfectly put together and simultaneously be in pieces at the same time. 

Losing carter broke me open, raw and exposed, and made vulnerability bubble out of me. I’ve learned that it is okay to not be okay, and also how resilient the human spirit can be. 

It feels like a chapter is closing. Everything is different, nothing is how it was supposed to be, and I now find my self dividing my life in to: before Carter died and after. Perhaps this is chapter 2. 

This past year was a tough one, and I’m SO incredibly grateful for my people who continue to hold me up. Who Provide a shoulder to cry on, get uncomfortable with me and for me, and always lovingly listen to my heart and my sometimes dark coping humor. I think it’s fair to say I/we have received love and support that we didn’t even know we needed. Thank you for remembering Carter and continuing to do so always. 

So here we are going in to day 366 time pushing us all forward but never moving on. Miss you an unfathomable amount little Bro.