Auden Rosie Visser

January 2nd 2023 marks another monumental day in my humble little life. Our newest little love, another beautiful daughter was born at home under the care of our wonderful midwives at Ocean Grove Midwifery and surrounded by so much love. She was born at 3:00 in the afternoon, and was our biggest babe thus far weighing in at 8lbs 15 oz and measuring 52 cm long.

I'd made it through the holidays and in to the new year. The days leading up to this monumental day were spent either patiently anticipating or miserably waiting in all honesty. Needless to say I was very ready to meet our baby.

I woke up in the early morning hours of January 2nd with a sense of peace. It was the last day of winter holidays before school resumed, we had nothing but a birthday party for one of Benen's classmates on the agenda.  I felt my first contraction at 0447, it felt different than the teaser tightening's I'd been having in the prior days, and I knew/strongly hoped that we would meet our baby soon. I snuggled in to Josh and dozed in between irregular waves. Josh reading my body language also had a sense of hopeful knowing and we excitedly whispered about what was to come.

I slowly arose and turned on the shower, Josh got up and turned on the coffee pot. Under the stream of hot water and sudsy fragrant eucalyptus body wash my contractions became more regular. As I was dressing and getting ready for the day, a pajama clad Charlie ran into our bedroom as she does, full of restored energy, ready to rule her day.  I helped her dress and did her hair, we brushed our teeth together. We shared breakfast (chia seed pudding) that I had prepped the night before, and watched a truly magnificent sunrise out the front window. Meanwhile Benen continued to sleep and Josh puttered around tidying the house. Benen eventually slowly padded down his bunk bed ladder sleepily rubbing his eyes into the hallway. We told the kids that today was likely the day we were finallllllllllly going to meet our baby. Josh helped Benen get dressed, fixed him breakfast and sent a text out to both of our moms to clear their schedule for the day.

I attempted to distract myself, still not totally convinced this labor was legitimate. The kids dragged out some board games, I pressed play on the first suggestion Netflix offered  (Horrible bosses 2, ahhah!) and I continued to breathe and sway through the waves that were gaining in both strength and regularity. Josh's Mama made her way over to our house, a welcome distraction of calm excitement for everyone I think, and after repeatedly saying "okay, after the next contraction" I finally obliged to Josh's persistent plea that maybe it was time to page the midwife. I paged to give a courtesy heads up that we were "maybe" going have a birthday party at some point and my lovely midwife agreed to make her way over.

With Benen and Charlie's help, Josh finished inflating the birth pool right in the middle of the living room, in front of the fireplace and Christmas tree that was still going strong. The vibe was cozy. Horrible bosses was no longer cutting it and my pre prepared "Welcome Baby" spotify playlist was turned on. The flameless candles were flickering and the scent of uplifting wild oranges were diffusing. My midwife got to work, calmly checking in on myself and baby, setting up equipment and encouraging me through strong contractions all while including the older kiddos. Charlie held my hand, while Benen passed supplies as my IV was initiated (for GBS + status and a prophylactic risk management option) in between contractions while Sully calmly laid at my feet. My own mom arrived as pots of water began bubbling on the stove (our hot water tank is small) and tea was being made and offered. Our Moms then made lunch for Benen and Charlie and set up a picnic in their shared bedroom; allowing me to lose track of time. I immersed myself in to the land of active labor -- for me, a state of mind, where I am present within my body, only vaguely aware of what is going on around me. With my support team offering sips of coconut water, a cold cloth, calm steady pressure, and words of encouragement--  I surrendered into this intense but divine process.

I spent the next little while laboring in various positions, I gave a tens machine a whirl, the birth pool was filled, our second midwife arrived, completing  our birth team (such a rad team!) and the kids busied themselves making a boxed birthday cake with my mom. I remember surfacing from a particularly intense contraction to someone asking where the vanilla was. I think I responded before puzzling over what the heck they needed vanilla for, it was a  boxed cake mix. Several more contractions washed over me before one of the midwives casually reported after sniffing the air that the cake might be burning. I'm happy to report the birthday cake turned out great and was devoured much later that evening.

Our entry way ledge was a perfect place to lean and sway my hips as things increasingly got more intense. Josh, my rock never leaving my side stood sturdy and supportive beside me. After listening to baby's heart rate I was offered a check to assess cervical dilation. Out of some preposterous fear that I would somehow be only minimally dilated, I declined and decided I was ready to get into the pool instead. The temperature was double checked and I immersed myself into the warm water feeling instant relief and melting into the comfort it provided.

My team surrounded me, applying and replacing cool cloths to the back of my neck, keeping me hydrated, re affirming my own affirmations of "I am calm" "I am strong", and massaging my foot when I got a  debilitating foot cramp (you know the kind, I'm cringing just thinking about it).  Josh pressing his forehead to mine while I squeezed his hand into a sure hand deformity, trying to gather all his strength and force it into my own body. This man, truly my anchor amidst the storm and strong waves that were bringing us closer to meeting our rainbow baby. Benen, my intuitive, gentle old soul was the best doula, gently squeezing my other hand telling me that I was doing great and encouraging me to breathe; me subconsciously only gently squeezing his little five year old hand back. Charlie, my hilarious, inquisitive and spunky almost three year old; popping up to occasionally rub my back, provide comic relief, or strongly encourage that I change positions, at one point insisting that I try out the cool inflatable birth pool seat.

I feel that I was not in the pool long before transition began to transpire. The frantic panicky feeling of wanting to flee, the over powering thoughts of "I can't do this!" and  "I give up" reared their ugly heads. I wanted to tap out, and I've been here before. I know from personal experience and professional practice that typically transition means that this beautiful baby is SO close. The process is still intense though, you don't want to endure, but the only way out is through and my loving midwives reminded me of all these very hard, but true and encouraging facts-- I was so close to meeting our highly anticipated and very loved rainbow babe.

The pressure started to build, the urge to push became stronger and stronger. I think likely due to my previous birth stories, I  felt nervous to give in to this urge without knowing that my cervix was fully dilated. I attempted to check myself, but could only feel bulging membranes, my waters still very much intact. I got a second opinion in a more favourable cervix assessing position on the couch, and with a tiny anterior lip and bulging membranes I hopped back into the pool. I continued, making low guttural sounds, focusing on my breath, resisting the mounting pressure and urge to push until those membranes spontaneously broke.

My membranes ruptured spontaneously and I instantly felt baby's head. With the next contraction babe's head was out-- a divine purgatory-- hair (like a lot of it) flowing in the water, me, anticipating the next contraction that would bring my baby fully earth side, my family and caring midwives surrounding me physically, and emotionally. Feeling the next contraction build I  inhaled strength and excitement and reached down to greet my baby and pull them into the world.

This action required a bit more maternal effort on my part. With the assistance of my midwife to navigate a nuchal hand our baby was born. I eagerly pulled this beautiful life and clutched (her) to my chest. We did it. With my wonderful support team surrounding the pool including my now big kids we marvelled at this life. Benen came to get a better look, eagerly asking if baby was a boy or girl. I indulged in one more moment, reeling from the intensity that is birth. We collectively decided to take a peek and turned baby around to find out if we had a baby sister or a baby brother. One of our midwives held the umbilical cord out of the way to avoid any confusion and Benen took a long hard look. I think he knew what he was looking at, and that maybe he was just realllly searching for some male (baby brother like) parts. He announced that baby was a girl,  a new sister, and then helped josh cut her umbilical cord. Charlie mischievously whispered into a camera "It’s a girl" while I was assisted to the couch to deliver her placenta. My nuclear family huddled and snuggled around me-- a couch party of FIVE.

With our fresh baby sister nestled safely on my chest we all stared at her in awe. Softly Benen assertively, like he'd just had an epiphany, stated that we should name her Rosie, a suggestion completely out of left field. We typically like to get to know our babies a bit first, try some names on to ensure a good fit.  We had a few agreed upon names on a short list, and "Rosie" was not on that list. Josh and I, making eyes at each other placated the suggestion, agreeing that we'd have to get to know her first.  ** More on this later**

We all continued to ogle this fresh new life, counting her fingers and toes while our midwives calmly and intentionally carried out initial assessments. Her cord was trimmed and banded and my placenta delivered with in contrast, minimal effort. We continued to snuggle skin to skin, and I momentarily tried to deny the significant and relatively constant trickle I was feeling. I squeezed Josh's hand probably just as hard as I did during transition while the cause and source of the bleeding was thoroughly assessed. The IV that was placed prophylactically was put to its intended use, and my mom held the bag of oxytocin high so it could drip into my circulation. It remained difficult to determine the cause/location of the persistent bleeding despite the administration of oxytocin and additional medications; so with complete trust and understanding we decided to transfer in to the hospital.

An ambulance was called, Josh grabbed our pre-prepared hospital bag, and someone helped me in to my soft black robe and some glorious, ginormous pad ridden stretchy underwear ( you know the kind) all while my new babe nestled skin to skin on my chest. Things began moving faster, and although the vibe had slightly shifted, there was still a sense of peace and calmness. I was stable and okay. Promptly a firetruck, and two ambulances showed up and crowded our little cul-de-sac. A bit dramatic. A bit of an afternoon spectacle for our friendly neighbours. Someone put a hat on our little baby girl and wrapped us both in my cozy pink couch blanket. I assured Benen and Charlie that I was okay and would be back soon, as I shuffled out the front door onto a waiting stretcher held by two friendly paramedics. The two paramedics congratulated us on our new addition, secured myself and babe, and carefully guided the stretcher down our front lawn-- a bumpy ride. I gave a friendly wave  to an on looking neighbour and yelled "We had a girl!" as they loaded us in to the ambulance. One of my caring midwives accompanied baby and I in the ambulance, my placenta swinging along in the ice cream bucket I had set aside for it. Our other midwife stayed at the house for a while to assist with a bit of clean up, and did a wonderful job at supporting both our moms and Benen & Charlie. Josh kissed the big kids goodbye, and followed the ambulance to the hospital in our SUV.

With medications still infusing on the ride to the hospital, I remember my caring midwife holding my hand and stroking my hair. She gave me the low down of what to expect when we got to the unit and then we swooned over the beautiful baby nuzzled on my chest. We arrived to the hospital and I was rolled up to the maternity unit, Josh was already there waiting with my beloved friends and co-workers. They had the same room that Benen was born in all set up for my arrival and I was assisted to transfer into the bed. Josh sat by my side snuggling our girl and holding my hand. As it happens, the same great obstetrician who helped me out after Charlie's birth was there for my assessment and gratefully I joked how this felt a bit like deja-vu. The medications had seemingly done their jobs, the bleeding had slowed, everything was intact and I was cleared from OB. I agreed to have bloodwork repeated in the coming evening hours and some rest in the meantime. One of my lovely co workers brought in refreshments including cinnamon buns!? While our midwife completed the newborn exam. While we waited for the lab, Josh and I snuggled and stared at our new girl, ordered dinner via skip the dishes (while our family ate the post delivery chicken soup I had prepared at home) and excitedly shared the news of her arrival to a few close friends and family members.

Meanwhile back at home, Josh and I's dads had joined the party and lovingly took it upon themselves to empty out the birth pool… via buckets… into the back yard. A detail I think I will forever be mortified about, but Josh knowing this would be his job when we decided on a homebirth was very grateful. Benen and Charlie were comforted by having their Grammy and Grandma with them, debriefed the eventful birthday party with the midwife, ate dinner, and changed into their jammies anxiously, Im sure, waiting for our return with their new baby sister.

Back at the hospital, we proudly introduced our new girl to my pals and colleagues coming on shift for the night. A wonderful lab technician came by shortly after shift change, and with blood work collected and both baby and I doing well, we had the green light to go home. I quickly changed out of my robe, we secured our squishy babe into the car seat both her older brother and sister used to ride in, and eagerly headed for home.

As we neared our drive way I had a moment of emotional surrealness. Through the living room window, the bright living room light spilling on to the dark porch and blinds half cast, I could see our parents and our two oldest children talking and laughing. Josh and I holding hands and the car seat, bringing home our third child , someone we had hoped and pleaded for knowing that they were a piece of our beautiful chaotic life puzzle. 

Benen excitedly opened the front door, greeting us holding a bouquet of "Roses for Rosie", Charlie standing on the couch beaming. I momentarily marvelled at the birthday decorations that had been hung and applauded how clean and restored our living room was, before they both swarmed us in the entry way. The car seat that was enveloping the new baby sister was like a magnet.  I hugged these two, who had somehow drastically physically grown and matured in the few hours I had been away, before indulging their request to hold their sister. After the big kids had their fill, our parents took turns meeting and holding their newest grand daughter while we devoured the lovingly made birthday cake and celebrated the birth of Auden Rosie.

There are few things in this life more beautiful than bringing new life into the world. Birth will take you to your limits, and then past them. Just before Auden was born there was a point where birth felt stronger than me, but the process is so incredibly divine. The surge of hormones that cascade through the body dictating what needs to happen. Each and every experience is so incredibly different and unique and for the third time I found strength that I didn’t know I had.

Auden Rosie Visser, all 8lbs 15 oz and 52 cm of you was incredibly perfect. You had a head full of luscious auburn hair streaked with golden highlights contrasting strikingly with your dark, but sparkly blue eyes. From the moment I met you, you seemed serene and relaxed nestled on my chest seemingly grateful to finally be earth side. Your birth was incredibly empowering and I'm abundantly grateful for the experience and ultimately for you in entirety. Your name means "Old friend", and although we don't know you that well yet…. I can't help but feel like I already do. From the minute your big brother laid eyes on you, he was determined and insistent to name and call you "Rosie". We tried on a few other names, but he was very adamant; "you guys can call her whatever you want, but her name is Rosie"-- Benen Visser (proudest big brother).

 Auden Rosie it is, and he is very much in love with you, proudly telling his kindergarten class about his new sister Rosie and racing home everyday to snuggle and protect "his Rosie girl". Your big sister adjusted to her new role as middle child, just as we would expect, but is very delighted to have a real live dolly to love on. She affectionally refers to you as "Auddy girl" or "little sister" and I'm excited to watch your relationship as sisters unfold. You are very loved sweet girl.  As parents were settling in to being outnumbered, a little overwhelmed but very much in love with this life. I'm excited to nurture you as you learn and grow and eager for you to teach us all about what it means to be your parents. Thank you for choosing us, thank you for choosing me to be your mama. I love you forever.

Xo Mom