On Becoming a Big Brother

Benen Edward. My first born. The one that made me a mama. My love for you continues to  grow and evolve the more I get to know you and your beautiful soul. You have taught me SO much in such a short time, and I have nothing but gratitude for you for that. The last few months leading up to you being a big brother had me a tad worried; not because I was worried you wouldn’t be great, but because for your 26th months of life its been just you me and Daddy, Uncle Carter & Sully. That’s all you've known! Adding a little sibling with competitive needs to our family unit… was surely going to rock your world.

I worried, well I still do, if you'll feel loved enough. How will my heart grow to love someone as much as I love you? Will you love this new person too?? This transition from only child to big brother is big. But I was your age when Uncle Carter was born and I think I turned out alright. In reflection being an older sibling is truly the greatest gift we could ever give you. Despite everything - and the pain that the title now carries for me personally -  I still like to don the title of "Oldest sibling" or "sister" with pride and close to my heart for it has truly shaped who I am; because I know that the pain is only there because of the love. The unconditional kind of love that you now get to experience. You now have a forever friend, some one to love unconditionally, protect fiercely, to teach new things to,  to learn from, to experience childhood with and grow with.

Our time of just us has come to an end; and Charlie was born three weeks ago. Upon meeting her you were cautious and gentle. You slowly entered the hospital room FULL of our excited family and reported in a matter of fact that it was raining outside. I had literally only been away from you for a few hours yet somehow you had suddenly and drastically grown into a mature, ginormous tiny human. You scrambled into the hospital bed with me and we inspected your new sister. You helped us count her tiny fingers and toes and you bluntly and honestly commented on the fact that sometimes freshly clamped umbilical cords resemble male reproductive organs. "OHHHHH her have a penis!?!?!".

You barely know her and yet you show her an immense amount of love already. So much so, that the amount of times in the past three weeks that I've had to remind you that we have to love her in a "gentle" manner is infinite. You demand to hold her, smother her with nose kisses, comment on her "cute little fingers" and state "I love her mama". I admire your kind loving soul and the love you have for your little sis buddy. But I also see the adjustments you're working through. I'm trying to be mindful to give you special one on one time that you crave; and acknowledge that when you get upset and demand that I stop feeding her and put Charlie in her swing or that it has to be me that snuggles you at bedtime-- know that I need and want that time with you too. Thank you for being patient with me as I find the balance and transition into being a mama of two littles. For accommodating long days spent at home doing very very little in that initial post partum physical healing period. For being as gracious, and understanding as a two year old can be as I mentally and emotionally process our new normal. I feel a little guilty that Charlie will never have all my attention all the time like you did, but she also gets your added love and attention right from day one-- such a lucky girl.

Let me fill you in on a little bit about current you, because I never want to forget these little thing that are everything right now. You amaze me every single day. You are obsessed with brushing your teeth and washing your hands, which is great because we're in the height of cold and flu season and we have a newborn at home. You're sleeping in a big boy bed… but frequent ours more often than not. That king size bed is looking more and more desirable now that there is often 4 of us snuggling. Blueberries and hummus are still your favorite, burgers and fries are a common request and you're pretty open to having a try bite of just about anything. I know I'm biased but you're kind of a tiny comedian; it's almost like you can read a room. Your memory recall is great and you use it to your advantage. You live for hockey and parent tot skating on Sunday's and you're staring to get fairly confident on the ice. You love music, dancing and singing and love to yell "HAY GOOOOGLE PLAY GARBAGE TRUCK!". You're curious and ask MANY questions. You're helpful and like to grab your stool to help change a diaper or cook dinner. You often talk to and about your Uncle Carter; reminding and assuring me that his presence is still and will always be present in our home. Every night you say goodnight to him and give his picture the Benen trifecta: a high five, fist bump and a kiss. Your desire for independence is prominent and you have no problem with the word "NO". Occasionally you lose your cool and sometimes you're sent to your room for a quiet moment of reflection until you're ready to apologize and have a hug. You adore Sully and lately you've been requesting him at bedtime. You have great manners for the most part and you're constantly killing us with kindness and filling our cups with unprompted hugs, kisses and "I love you's". I could go on and on, but lastly, you proudly introduce your new sister as "Chaw leee Cahhter" like all of a sudden you're British. Charlie is truly the luckiest to have you as a big brother. As you continue to learn and grow as an individual I can't wait to see you take on this new layer and sense of identity.

In conclusion sweet boy I want you to know how loved you are and how proud I (we) am (are) of you. As you grow I know you'll figure out what it means to be a big brother in your own ways; how that means you'll likely have to pave the way as the eldest in families typically do. I know you'll experience the trials and tribulations that siblinghood brings; but never underestimate the powerful love that it encompasses.

Love you forever,

Love Mom

xo